And right now, I'm in that situation. Difficult thing about it is, options are scarce when these things happen, and you have to weigh in your priorities so you can decide whether to tread the hard, stressful path or just say screw it then go home.
Most of the time I'm overseas have been very easy for me. I earn, help my family, and build my future. But as they say, one can't have the best of both worlds. I get more than a dozen times the salary I was earning before in Makati, yet I'm losing that one thing no one can ever recover once lost - time.
4 years and counting. Looking back (I usually do this when I'm stressed-out), I began asking my self. What have I gotten so far? Grey hair? 40 pounds? Irremovable eyebags? These are petty, simple things in exchange for quite a comfortable living (not luxurious). But then I start thinking deeper and ponder on things I have lost so far... love life, beer sessions, and the worst of all - 2 inches of hair line!
One thing for sure, I'm trying to regain the first one, and I'm at it whole-heartedly. I am not too late, am I? In fact, I don't think I am too late for anything (but who knows). I'm so damn young but sometimes I feel so old. Probably what I get for working with people who are a lot older than me, and about half of them can already be my dad or grandfather.
Last night, somebody from US, apparently tired from reviewing my work over and over again, told me on his email that he's losing his patience on me, as if I were a kid. It irritated me and I responded with a one-liner rebuttal -
"Don't take this personally buddy, it's just fucking work"
He answered (as if it was my fault that these revisions came up when it is clearer than an electric microscope that it was his boss' request to do the changes):
"Well I don't have the time to review your work once, much less twice, thrice, four times!"
I answered:
"I apologize if your work calls you to review reports once, twice, thrice or even a hundred times. I feel sorry for you pal"
You know how old that person is? 50. (Twice my age, though I know you won't believe me).
Anyway, I did not set this blog up to absorb my rants about my work, nor my complaints in life. I just mentioned it here because it helped me realize one thing - you can grow old, and let each second that pass in your life consume you, but never grow up. Growing up doesn't mean adding up years on your life. It doesn't mean losing hair either. Growing up is learning while you lose time. Growing up is making your life bigger in order to accommodate not only your self but others. Growing up is making sure that when you face our good Lord, you have wise words to say on your mouth and not lollipop. Oh, did I say that in literature, lollipop is sometimes regarded as a metaphor of immaturity?
I strongly believe that people reach maturity only when they start being on their own. Loneliness helps us yearn for affiliation, thus making us emotionally 'wider' to let other people in. However our world right now is too complex that being alone is hardly a possibility. Just like that person, who was working for our company for God knows how long, and he's been surrounded by praises, night outs, sycophantic colleagues, competition, and probably threats of being overshadowed. That's the world for him right now and in order to survive, he's got to prove himself to the people around him. Funny, because he was so used to doing it that he even did that to me, a bloke silently working 18 hours a day in a burrow somewhere in the deserts of Afghanistan.
You know what's worse? There's a lot of people like him that I work with. Most of them are in the US right now. Gee, I'm starting to see USA as the United States of Assholes when spelled-out.
So what advantage do these people, in suits and are driving pretty cars, have over us, rugged mercenaries thriving in this desert? Well, first they've got time to spend with their families and friends, make out with their girlfriends, enjoy a can of beer every night while watching their favorite NFL team on TV, and plan for out of town trips on weekends. What advantage do I and people like me have over these people then? Well, we have 'wider' emotional space and we allow more people in our lives rather than overtake them. The fact that we are here enduring, the loneliness and the dust in the air, proves that we are putting others (like families and loved ones) before our selves.
But you see, my statement cannot be generalized, nor be even proven as a theory or a scientific law of mankind, otherwise, I would be winning the Nobel Prize every year. First I'm referring to people in US of A (you should now by now what that means). Second, I'm venting out my stress over my work, being far from my family, being far from my love (she's about three hour plane ride away), being far from my business, being far from my friends, and just the thought of being far. I'm just beginning to feel the tiring predicament of just carrying on with work, no matter what I lose, whether it's time, affiliation, confidence, self-esteem, or even "normality".
Or maybe, I'm just getting tired of growing up and that I am needing for a break.
You see before, when I'm tired, I just don't give a flying f*ck about most things. But I think I have become different. Now, it is when I am tired or stressed out that I over-think about so many things. It drains me further but I can't help it. In my brain, there's this battle between working things out just for my sake only and planning ahead for the sake of others. It's a never ending surge and ebb of advantages and disadvantages, but at the end of the day, the chaos subsides and I just continue pushing. Just like a real mercenary.
Before I go, I leave this simple prayer.
"Lord, all things good happen in your perfect time. Help me prepare myself so that I may become worthy of your grace when that time comes."
Advance Merry Christmas everyone! champ110310
for R.P.
P.S.
Talking about 4 years overseas, here's something for you to look at.
Evolution of the hairline
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| 2007 |
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| 2008 |
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| 2009 |
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| 2010 |
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